Parents' Page

"For Better or For Worse"

I recently found this cartoon that I clipped sometime last year. Yes, lectures and discipline are both necessary, and certainly have their place. But this comic strip speaks volumes about the influence parents really have in the lives of their teens, and about the power of love and trust.

Family Answer Book: Protect Your Teen

Q: My 15-year-old daughter asked if she could have her boyfriend come over to watch a video on a night when we're out. When I admitted I was not comfortable with the idea, she said, "Don't you trust me?" We wound up in a screaming match.

A: Clearly, your daughter is anxious about her relationship with her boyfriend and provoked an argument because--at 15--she both wants and resents your help. "Your goal is to help her predict dangers and learn to protect herself by making responsible decisions," explains Justin Richardson, M.D., co-author of Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They'd Ask). Studies show that parents who loosen controls during the teen years and encourage communication actually influence their kids' behavior more than those who take an authoritarian stance. Tell your daughter that you want to get a bit more information from her. Try to find out how she feels about this boy. Draw her out by saying, "This is an important decision. What do you think could happen?" Suggest that an invitation to an empty house sends the wrong message, and that she may want to curb their time alone. Most teenage girls are very passive about setting limits with their boyfriends, so be quite explicit in expressing your views and reasons. According to Dr. Richardson, parents who don't provide a "why" have less influence because their kids assume they're being arbitrary. Take the time to talk to your daughter about love, relationships, and limits.

"I Wanna Go Home!"

There was an interesting article in the special Summer Camp insert to the March 2003 issue of Tidewater Parent magazine. The "homesickness bug" strikes a number of campers each year, hitting first-time campers especially hard. And this "bug" doesn't discriminate--it can affect parents just as severely, if not more so, than campers. In this article, some summer camp experts specifically addressed the issue of homesickness, as well as the various camp policies that are designed to overcome this "bug". I hope you find this article interesting as well.

You've dropped your child off, met his counselor, driven home. As you set foot in the house, the phone rings. Your child wants to come home. Now what? That's why some camps don't let campers use the phone to call home in the early weeks.

"Some families again don't appreciate the reasons for this," says Jeff Solomon, executive director of the National Camp Association. "They think. 'You're keeping my child a prisoner, a hostage.' But the experience campers have that first week, that's when the adjustment is taking place. That's when it's a detriment to have the parent on the phone."

It may be good for the child to hear the parent's voice, but it will also make the child more upset, Solomon says.

One of the many benefits children get from camp is a sense of independence. Letting a child go home early (except in the direst circumstances) robs him or her of that achievement. And it can lead to quitting every time the going gets tough.

Camp teaches children to "survive away from parents and do well for themselves," says Nat Greenfield, co-director with his wife, Ann, of Camp Robindel for girls in New Hampshire. The camp is celebrating its 50th year. The Greenfields have been there for 25 years and have seen two generations from some families. "We tell parents, if you tell your child if she's unhappy she can leave, we're out of the ballpark. We're no longer able to work with this child. There are kids who come to camp, don't do well, and leave early. I say to parents, 'You're setting a tone here. Your daughter will go to college, not like her roommate and be home within a week."

"If you're thinking about camp for the first time, one of the things you need to talk to the camp director about is--if my child is homesick, how are you going to deal with that?" says Bette Bussel, executive director of the American Camping Association's largest branch, in New England where camps began in this country.

Families not familiar with camp are apt to think a shorter session if better for avoiding homesickness, Solomon says. Actually, he says, the opposite is true. "Homesickness does not increase over time--it dissipates over time," he says. To send a child to a shorter session, or worse to allow him to come home early, means: "The child pays his dues, but misses the payoff," he says.

Four-week sessions are growing more popular (as opposed to full summer camps) with parents who want to plan for family time and vacations during the summer, Solomon says.

Children form even more lasting bonds at seven- and eight-week camps, says Greenfield, who was planning a 50th anniversary celebration for Robindel campers and staff as this article went to press.

"It will take a normal child a week or a couple of weeks to adjust," he says. A longer camp gives a child more time for fun once he or she settles in. "Once they adjust, they take off and go leaps and bounds." Longer camps such as Robindel also get a better return--Robindel's is 90 percent or better because the girls form deeper bonds, he says.

Disturbing Facts about Marijuana and Teens

I ran across this ad in the Virginian-Pilot, and found it very interesting and thought-provoking. It contains a number of interesting quotes and statements from major national organizations concerning the effects of marijuana on teenagers. This ad highlighted the importance of talking with our kids about the many tough issues they face on a daily basis. It may be difficult to talk about tough issues such as drugs, alcohol, and sexuality--that's why they call them "tough issues"--but it is more important now than ever that we do so. It is never too early or too late to discuss these issues in age-appropriate ways with our kids.

AN OPEN LETTER TO PARENTS:

HERE'S WHAT THE EXPERTS SAY ABOUT MARIJUANA AND TEENS.

• "Marijuana is not a benign drug. Use impairs learning and judgement, and may lead to the development of mental and health problems."
- American Medical Association

• "Smoking marijuana can injure or destroy lung tissue. In fact, marijuana smoke contains 50 to 70 percent more of some cancer causing chemicals than does tobacco smoke."
- American Lung Association

• "Teens who are high on marijuana are less able to make safe, smart decisions about sex--including saying no. Teens who have used marijuana are four times more likely to have been pregnant or gotten someone pregnant than teens who haven't."
- National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

• "Marijuana can impair perception and reaction time, putting young drivers, their passengers and others on the road in danger. Teens, the highest risk driving population, should avoid anything that might impair their ability to operate a vehicle safely."
- American Automobile Association

• "Marijuana use may trigger panic attacks, paranoia, and even psychoses, especially if you are suffering from anxiety, depression or having thinking problems."
- American Psychiatric Association

• "Marijuana can impair concentration and the ability to retain information during a teen's peak learning years."
- National Education Association

• "Recent research has indicated that for some people there is a correlation between frequent marijuana use and aggressive or violent behavior. This should be a concern to parents, community leaders, and to all Americans."
- The National Crime Prevention Council

And, according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, marijuana can be addictive. In fact, more teens are in treatment with a primary diagnosis of marijuana dependence than for all other illicit drugs combined.

Teens say their parents are the single most important influence when it comes to drugs. Know their friends. Ask them where they are going and when they will be home. Take time to listen. Talk to your teens about marijuana. To learn more about marijuana and how to keep your teens drug-free, visit www.theantidrug.com or call 800-788-2800.

PARENTS.
THE ANTI-DRUG.

Reprinted from The Virginian-Pilot, March 31, 2003. The opinions expressed are not necessarily the opinions of the Youth Groups at Bethlehem Christian Church, Bethlehem Christian Church, or any of its leaders or members.

Why Should I Go to Church?

Sound familiar? How do you answer your kids when they ask why they have to go to church? Be sure your response conveys the right message. Here are some responses to avoid--and a recommended response for the next time you're challenged.

• "Christians are supposed to go to church." If kids see any part of their Christian experience as an obligation rather than a response from the heart, they'll choose not to take part in that activity.
• "Our family has been attending church for generations." You're not a Christian just because you're born into a Christian home. Allow your teenagers to see Christianity as a conscious choice rather than a cultural inheritance.
• "It's a great time to see your friends." Social life is a bonus to church attendance, not a substitute for spiritual motivations.
• "You'll go to church because we say so." It's better to encourage your kids to make it their own choice, so they'll choose church when you don't have the "say so."

Recommended response: "We go to church because we choose to accept God's invitation to worship and fellowship with other believers."

Beyond the Resistance

Getting involved with your teenager's life can generate acts of resistance. But that resistance often carries a hidden message--a need or a plea for love. Use the following suggestions adapted from Courageous Parenting (NavPress) by David Hutchins, to help you understand the truth behind your teenager's defenses.

Teenagers are listening. Your kids may look like they're not listening to you, but they can't totally block out everything you're saying.
Teenagers need love. Even when it seems as though your kids have on their full emotional armor, there's usually a crack that will allow you to reach them. Keep trying!
Teenagers respond to respect. Forcing an issue can devalue teenagers' decisions; learn to respect resistance to your involvement, even when you want otherwise.
Teenagers don't respond well to anger. Express disappointment when your kids resist involvement--anger or despair can cause stronger resistance.
Teenagers expect you to give up. Don't retreat--be persistent in asking for involvement in their lives.
Teenagers learn resistance. Be sure your kids' reluctance and discomfort isn't a reflection of your own relational style.

Reprinted from Group Magazine, September/October 2002. The opinions expressed are not necessarily the opinions of the Youth Groups at Bethlehem Christian Church, Bethlehem Christian Church, or any of its leaders or members.

Doing the Unexpected

All too often we spend a lot of time worrying and not enough time experiencing joy. These ideas from Family Moments by David and Claudia Arp (Vine Books) will help you surprise your family in unexpectedly playful ways:

• Have a backward meal--start with dessert first!
• On a weekend night, wake up everyone and go out for late night milk shakes.
• Serve popcorn for breakfast.
• Wear a fake nose to the dinner table.
• Take a mystery ride--let everyone in the car have a chance to decide which turn to take next. Who knows where you'll end up!

As summer approaches and families start to take more trips to the movie theater or video store, it can get more difficult to find the information necessary to make good, well-informed viewing decisions. That's where PluggedIn Magazine can help. Published by Focus on the Family, PluggedIn offers family-friendly movie, video, TV, and music reviews from a Christian point of view. Not only do the reviews help you make the best, most-informed viewing and listening selections for your family, but they also give you guidance on how you can use the movie, show, or song to provide "teachable moments" for your children. Check out selected reviews at PluggedIn Magazine, or call 1-800-232-6459 to request the printed magazine. Below is PluggedIn's review of On the Line, a recent arrival to video stores starring members of 'N Sync.

VideoShelf--On the Line

"I really, really liked it!," a preteen girl gushed to her mother as they walked out of the theater. The target audience for On the Line (PG) has officially spoken. Starring Lance Bass and Joey Fatone (two-fifths of the staggeringly popular music group 'N Sync), the film caters strictly to die hard fans.

A threadbare plot involves Kevin (Bass) meeting a "dream girl" on an elevated train. But they part ways without sharing last names or phone numbers, so the rest of the movie is about Kevin desperately trying to track her down.

Give Bass and Fatone credit for not cramming their movie with foul language (just a few mild profanities) and sex (only kissing). It's a sweet romantic comedy clean enough to shame most of what inhabits TV's "family hour" these days.

However, On the Line focuses on the idea of love rather than its substance. This fairy-tale couple fall in love because they're both cute. Period. And because they are cute, they will live happily ever after. Not the message starry-eyed adolescents need reinforced. Also, Rod (Fatone) prides himself in being a wild rock 'n' roller, and Kevin's friends display an appalling disrespect for women before seeing the error of their ways. But overall, it's a fairly innocuous rental assuming parents weigh in when fantasy and reality get out of sync. --SI

Involved Parents Reap Rewards

A new Dartmouth University survey (which included nearly 5,000 teens, 90% of whom were under 14 years of age) indicates that parents who set guidelines for their children's entertainment may also be protecting them from alcohol and drug use.

One-third of the students whose parents set no limits on movie viewing reported having smoked cigarettes, while only 2% of teens who were "never allowed" to watch R-rated films had lit up. Likewise, 46% of the first group said they had tried alcohol, while only 4% of the second group had.

The direct influence of R-rated movies here is unclear. The influence of involved parents is undeniable.

Parenting--the most rewarding and the most difficult job on the planet. No one expects perfection, yet how can we do the best job possible? Begin by looking at these parenting "mistakes" outlined by Peter Jaksa, author of 25 Stupid Mistakes Parents Make (Lowell House) and how he deals with them.

1. Treating kids as equals. "Democracy" belongs in a marriage, but not in the family. Yes, it's good to solicit input from kids about certain matters, but when the stakes are high, parental authority needs to be exercised. Know that teenagers will push against that authority, but they need to know parents are in charge. Parents provide protection, guidance, and nurture that kids themselves cannot provide.

2. Failing to adapt communications to the age of your child. "As our children mature in their thinking, feelings, interests, and independence, it is the parents' job to keep up with them and adapt to their level of maturity," Jaksa says. Realize that teenagers are becoming more independent, relying on peers more, and may begin to question parents' behavior, rules, and values. Treat your teenagers as the young adults they are becoming by promoting discussion about feelings and thoughts, holding them accountable for their behavior, and respecting their privacy and individuality.

3. Adding to kids' already stress-filled lives. Kids and families are busier than they've ever been. This hyper pace can result in everything from less family time to health problems. Reduce stress in your family by creating down time for kids, building a healthy marriage, giving lots of hugs, and remembering that home should be a place where kids are accepted and loved for who they are.